What is self care?

Being involved with a partner that has ASPD or is an alcoholic, is an exhausting experience. Worrying to the extreme about your partner’s every ass ache or pain, your finances, the drinking, etc. can often lead to an increasing lack of self care. It feels so selfish to worry about yourself when you partner just seems to be constantly struggling. And often, your neglect of self care happens so slowly that you don’t see it for what it really is.

As I look back on my experience, here is how this process developed over time for me. 10 years, to be exact.

1. Isolation from friends
2. Isolation from family
3. Hobbies slowly disappear
4. Communication is poor
5. Focus on his physical and mental health (not mine)
6. His alcoholism gets worse and he won’t even talk about it
7. Poor environmental and physical hygiene (his)
8. More a child than a partner
9. Lies of omission
10. Every new plan/adventure will be the fix
11. What he wants is the most important thing, because then he’ll get better
12. Nothing ever gets better
13. My light and personality start to dim
14. Our financial situation gets scary (and he doesn’t care)
15. I stop hairdresser appointments, clothes shopping, stop wearing makeup, no more travel
16. Dinners and anything outside the house dwindle to almost nothing
17. I am no one with him, so therefore I am no one without him
18. I escape, feel like I am dying, and have no idea who I am
19. He finds a new source of supply, and our relationship is over

Looking at this now, the entire situation looks so painfully obvious! But it wasn’t. He is an intelligent, good looking, evil guy with a great sense of humour. We had a ton of fun together over the years, and the good times were so good, that it led me to always question the bad. I mean, every couple has struggles, right? If I just supported him and rode out the bad times, the good times would always return, right? And that was often true. Until the day my money ran out. Then his feelings were changing, and he just couldn’t understand why. It was him, not me. He will always care for me. Ugh. Horrible.

Now that I have had to start my life all over, all of those things that I neglected to do to take care of myself are slapping me in the face and telling me to get my stuff together. My recovery plan has taken a long, long, time to formulate, because mentally and emotionally I am almost broken. Where to start?

Well, the first step was realizing that I actually wouldn’t be going back to Crete, after 7 months of manipulation on his part. (He was fixing it, he loves me, he has two jobs lined up, our lives were going to be so good, we were on schedule for me to return at the end of the summer!). Two months ago, my life as I knew it was officially over. I’m still having difficulty coming to terms with that.

Once everything ended, I completely fell apart. To start the climb back up, I had to find a better means to support myself. I’m not there yet. I’m working, but the pay is low and I have no health insurance. I also have no car at the moment or even a valid US driver’s license. On top of that, I can’t get a driver’s license just yet because there is a tax hold from who knows what from 20 years ago! And I need a lawyer to sort that out. Life is a bit rough at the moment.

For now, here is my plan:

1. Keep working while looking for a better job so I can pay off the small debt on my credit card, take care of my tax issue, and pay back family for supporting me. And become independent again finally.
2. Move my body! This one is easy. I walk back and forth to work most days, and walk the puppies three times a day. I’m getting tons of movement in. I also keep track on an old fitness device I have.
3. Focus on how I look and feel again, including makeup/hair/clothing. This has been fun. I’ve always enjoyed looking my best, and it’s definitely liberating to be doing that again.
4. Explore mindfulness, spirituality so that I can get my head back on straight.
5. Start yoga and meditation classes; I’ve found free classes in both that start next week.
6. Figure out my health insurance situation. And finally get to the doctor and dentist after a very long hiatus (other than emergencies). It just this week occured to me that seeing a doctor is an important part of self care! I don’t know why I left that out of the equation. I guess it’s because it is my mental health that feels dire. Thankfully, I am in good physical health.
7. Buy one thing that helps me explore my creativity (which has been hidden for so long now). I’ve actually accomplished this! I bought an inexpensive drawing tablet that I am learning to use, and with the support of my brother and niece, I actually got this blog up and running!
8. Stop eating my emotions. I’m getting better at this already. I’ve dropped over 20 pounds since I started focusing more on how I feel and how I look. Much more like my old self. I don’t turn to food when I’m feeling uncomfortable with my emotions. I try to write.
9. Relight my spark. I’m working on it. I have good days and bad days. More good than bad at the moment, although I’m totally prone to overthinking the situation. And I can sometimes still have an entire week of bad days.
10. Spend time with family. Done! I’m actually living with family, and get to see everyone quite often. If I’m truthful though, there is some stress in this for everyone. I’ve been away for so long, and I hate having to rely on other people to support me. I suppose they think I’m not getting over or on with it quickly enough. It’s a balancing act for sure.
11. Relax. After the stress of living with Jay for so long, it’s been very, very difficult to relax. And every time I do, I start crying, which has been an interesting reaction to me. I’m working on it.
12. Reconnect with old friends. For some reason, this one is very difficult for me. To have to talk about the trauma, and where I am currently, is totally heartbreaking for me. And I don’t want to spend all of my time with them crying. I’m still very, very emotional about this experience. I have one very dear friend who actually knows Jay, and he has been a great support to me through this period. I stay in touch with my friends in Greece (at least those I was closest with). I will gradually reach out to others here, and I’ve made a new friend or two that are not aware of my situation.
13. Boundaries – this is the most important one for me in finding myself again. All of my boundaries were slowly eroded in this relationship. And I find myself asking just how the hell that happened! I will work to find my boundaries again, and make sure that I have the communication skills I need to stand firm when someone tries to cross them. HUGE life lesson in this for me.
14. Daydreaming. I’ve been so wrapped up in Jay’s dreams, that I forgot to have some of my own. It’s time for me to consider where I want my life to go next, and start dreaming those dreams again. For me this time.

To wrap it up, here is what self care means to me – it means working to regain:

Health – spiritual, mental and physical

Love – family, friends and one day – a healthy partner

Financial security and independence

Dreams, joy and lightness of being

Creativity/hobbies/travel

Boundaries and communication

What does self care mean to you?