Untangling a decade of ties

When you think about the ties that bind long term relationships together, the list usually goes something like this:

• Housing
• Finances
• Kids
• Lifestyle
• Belongings
• Gifts
• Friends
• Responsibilities
• Pets
• And in some cases, businesses

Trying to untangle a decade of ties in this relationship is proving to be difficult. Our housing situation resolved when I left for the US and he was evicted.  We have no children. Our lifestyle also obviously changed because I was no longer on Crete. I took our pets with me (to save him the trouble of trying to find a new place to live that would accept them without a huge security deposit that he didn’t have). What’s still open as of now are my belongings (still in Crete), the few personalized gifts he gave me (still in Crete) and our business (again, Crete).  Thankfully, I’ve been able to keep my closest friends from our time there. Our finances are mostly untied, only because I ran out of money.

Jay has gone to ground and removed any means of contact, with the exception of an email address that I’m sure he still checks. He doesn’t ever respond though. He’s gone to Germany with his new target, and he thinks that I don’t know where he is. This means that I am in the US, with belongings in Crete, with my ex in Germany. Sigh.

The problem is this: I really just want to put Jay behind me. Yet, I am being contacted by creditors for his debt in Crete; his stupid PayPal account is still connected to my debit card for hosting that we no longer have; and I’m still receiving his internet/cable bills that are long overdue. Random fake facebook accounts are trying to ‘friend’ me all of a sudden.

One would think that Jay would be quick to react to my requests to resolve theses issues – after all he’s blocked me on everything – and if he would take care of this shit I would never have to reach out to him again.  But as usual, his laziness and irresponsibility leave him in a position where he just refuses to deal with anything. And I think somehow he takes a perverse pleasure in hoping that these issues cause me pain when they show up in my inbox. After all, I was always the responsible one – unpaid anything would make me crazy.

So, I’m copying the new fiancee on my email requests. I don’t want her to think for one second that there is any communication between the two of us that she is not aware of. Jay has always been really good at compartmentalizing his life — and really good at hiding any contact from previous relationships. She doesn’t respond either. Pressure from her may be the only way to get him to act. She inserted herself into my marriage, so, evidently she can address this too. I mean, this is what she wanted, right? Him and all his problems?

The other outstanding, unresolved issues include having my things sent to me from the apartment in Greece – I’m particularly concerned about all of my personal paperwork; the closing of the business and disposal of all of the inventory I paid for; the sale of my car; and most importantly of all, the divorce filing.  I left Crete with a single suitcase. Everything else was left behind, because the plan was for me to return at end of summer.

I should know better than to think Jay will actually take care of any of this. They’ve already left Crete for Germany, with the story to friends and creditors that they are going to move to a smaller apartment in Germany so that they can afford to split their time between Crete and Hamburg.  I am skeptical at best.  I believe that he thinks he can just run from all of his obligations and disappear into the sunset, and that no one will look for them.  Maybe that is true.  And I’ve mostly accepted that I won’t ever see my stuff again, which, in the end, I’m fine with. I’m focusing on today — if Jay never returns to Crete, and the shop and house get emptied out, I have a friend that will go in to remove at least my personal paperwork.

I am, however, left with dismay over how someone I loved and supported for more than a decade, can just walk away… and not be enough of an adult to peacefully resolve the littlest of things. What does he gain from this behavior?  I suppose the simplest answer is this: there is nothing left in it for him, so he doesn’t give a damn.  It’s inconvenient to have to face what he’s already completely put in his past.  If he were a normal person, I would think that the cutting of contact and refusal to cut the ties that bind, is simply to save him from having to deal with the guilt of what he did — but he doesn’t feel guilt.

Jay thinks that the lack of contact causes me pain; he thinks that his refusal to remove me from emailed bills, etc. causes me pain. Knowing me, he thinks that worrying about all of this, and my belongings in Crete, is causing me pain. He’s proven that he is entirely happy to continue to inflict as much damage as he can.

I’m at the point now though, that the lack of contact has been really helpful.  It’s easier to let this all go without the evidence in front of my face, day in and day out. And it the end, legally, this is all Jay’s responsibility for once.  As the EU citizen in our relationship, everything went into his name, and his alone.  At the time, I think he was thrilled about that – if we were successful, he would own it all! Jay’s reality though, turned out the way it always does for him.  He’s not willing to put in the work, so the end result is always inevitable.