Today was a bad day…

Just when I think I am making progress in moving on, something derails me. Today it was trying to move my old photos from my laptop onto the desktop before I lose them completely. I’m still too raw I guess.  Reliving the memories is so damn difficult.

There was so much love and promise and happiness in our old photos! Even though I now know it was a facade on Jay’s side, back then I didn’t. I thought he was feeling what I was. The joy in finding a partner who made you laugh; the prospect of growing old together; the fun and adventure in our future. And it was good for a long time.  Until his words and actions just never matched up – over and over and over again.  He could talk a great game; but doing what he promised was something different altogether.  And I’ve aged — the stress of this relationship shows all over my face now. I miss that happy woman, and the strength and love that I could see in myself.

Today, I just want out.  Out of New England.  Out of my current situation.  Out of my head. I want my independence back.  I want my own home and car, and my own belongings.  I want a job that I can love again.  I want freakin’ affordable health insurance.  And I want it all now.  LOL  Patience has never been a virtue of mine, that’s for sure.

I’m trying not to focus on loss, although this has been a huge one.  I miss Crete.  I miss the food, the weather, and the people.  I miss the beach and the mountains.  I miss the life I built, and the friends I loved.  I miss our apartment, our car and our shop.  And tonight, I miss the husband I thought I had. I’m trying to remember that this doesn’t have to be the end of my Cretan experience — I will work toward getting back and re-building my own life there.  There are a few complications now that my marriage had solved — such as residency.  But I will work it all out in time.

I’m trying to express my gratitude for those who are currently supporting me, and loving me, despite the mess I’ve turned into.  I’m focusing on the joy of rediscovering myself and building a new future.  But it’s torturous on days like this.

I made a birthday cake for my lovely sister today, and that too brought back memories.  I celebrated my first married birthday with Jay in Japan in 2010.  It was a wonderful trip, with a fantastic celebration dinner out in Nagoya.  The memories are beautiful and painful at the same time.  What happened to us?  And then I remember that I ran out of money this year.  And he did this to us.

Today, my tears are not very far away.  And I’m frustrated with myself for still feeling like this.  Tomorrow, I hope, will be a better day.