Taking Responsibility and ASPD

What does taking responsibility mean in the context of a relationship with a sociopath, narcissist or person with ASPD? An alcoholic or someone who is mentally ill?

Where I struggle with all of the personal responsibility gurus and their messages is when they tell you if you would just take personal responsibility for your part in what happened, you’ll get better. While that sounds right on the surface, how do you take responsibility for being manipulated? For what you didn’t know? For the fact that you’ve never personally faced evil in your life before?

Am I just kidding myself about my role in this disaster that has caused so much personal devastation?

Here is the mainstream definition of Antisocial Personality Disorder from MedlinePlus.gov.

Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others without any remorse. This behavior may cause problems in relationships or at work and is often criminal.

While I recognized early on that there was an issue, I initially attributed much of it to Jay’s problems with alcohol. Long story short, I basically had no idea that Jay was an alcoholic and drinking (gin of course) all day, every day while I was at work. He was not interested in rehab, and even a stint in the hospital for a related illness was not enough to put him off of it. My pleas for him to get help essentially fell on deaf ears.

By the time I recognized the issue, it was too late. How could I not support him to find his sobriety? I was his wife! Maybe his move to the US was causing undue distress? I know, I know… red flags abound at this point. But my empathy kicked in and I decided to fight for Jay and for what I thought was our future together.

Here are some other red flags, that I should’ve paid attention to, and did not:

• No true friends. As a man of 40 years old, Jay had acquaintances, but no real friends. I attributed this to the fact that he lived and worked in Japan and maybe his real friends were in Germany where he is originally from. Plus he convinced me that he was ‘complicated’ and people didn’t understand him. I was special.
• Had a young daughter, but completely abandoned her, seemingly without a care. Never paid child support. And when her step-dad wanted to adopt her (many years later) he just ignored their request to sign the paperwork. For 2 years. Until they finally contacted me. Horrible. Jay gave me the impression that his ex-wife did not want him involved with their daughter.
• Did not have cordial relationships with any of his ex-partners. No contact at all. Again, it’s complicated.
• Quit working as soon as he figured out that I made enough money to support us both. Didn’t share with me that he had no plans to ever work again. Jay kept sharing pipe dreams and making half-starts toward a job.
• Didn’t want to get to know my friends, family or co-workers. I had moved far away from family quite a few years before Jay and I got involved. He knew some of my co-workers because we had for many years worked for the same company (although in different countries). He met my daughter, and eventually one of my sisters. He was clearly uncomfortable when he had to spend any time with them — and I just put that off to his natural introverted nature with people he didn’t know well. Good lord.
• It was all about him. Not once did I get the feeling that he had any genuine concern for me. I was a strong woman after all, so I misinterpreted that as a sign that he had faith in my abilities to self-manage. HA
• He was very secretive and private. Because I trusted him, it never occurred to me that he was hiding anything, and I didn’t want to pry. With enough love he would share more. Again, totally not true.

So in the end, I guess it was my responsibility to catch and act on all of these red flags. Now, when I can lay them out and put them together, I can see the classic signs of disinterest in anyone but himself and his concern for how anything that was happening would affect only him. Then, I was in love, and kind and never gave a second thought that he could be out to destroy me.

The fallout for me has me questioning myself, my boundaries, my judgement, how the hell to move forward in this life — when every stable thing I had, or thought I had, is gone. Should I take personal responsibility for this? Or was I just completely led to slaughter like an innocent lamb?