Spirituality – My personal definition right now

Spirituality – My personal definition right now

I grew up in an organized religion. For various reasons, I stopped believing and participating in it when I was in my young 20’s. I became an atheist because I firmly believe that religion has done more bad than good in this world.

I won’t lie. For me, it was an easy decision, and one that I have no regrets about making. It doesn’t take an organized religion to make a good and moral person. And for me, religion was adding absolutely nothing to my life, other than guilt and a knowingness that I would never be good enough.

Through most of my life since then, I have not even thought about spirituality. Until now. Until crisis. Until I totally lost who I was. I am looking for inner peace because everything that I thought I knew, and every decision I’ve made that got me here, has me questioning just who I am. And I can’t go back to organized religion. So, am I now an agnostic? Who the hell knows. I’m not going to define myself with a label as I begin exploring.

So, now on the threshold of a new life that I wasn’t searching for, with a thousand and one questions, I will begin this journey by exploring spirituality and what I hope it will bring to my life.

What is spirituality? As I currently understand it, spirituality has to do with our connection to ourselves and our universe. It has to do with letting go of attachment, calming our inner minds, and getting in touch with who we really are. There are so many tools to research. Meditation, Yoga, Mindfulness, Awareness, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Positivity, Motivation — a lot to try and work through. And I have to begin somewhere, somehow. There are videos, gurus, organizations, authors and advisors. There is metaphysical stuff like psychics, chakras, vibrations, numerology, drumming, reiki, angels and shamanism. There are schools of thought to explore like reincarnation, eastern religions and beliefs, psychology and mental health. All of these raise questions for me. It’s like trying to climb a mountain when I am barefoot and exhausted.

Control under the guise of empathy/kindness: At this point in time, I’m trying to learn about giving up control of things and people. Everyone has their own journey, and I’ve made the mistake of trying to ‘save’ other people when it obviously is not my responsibility. Things like always putting myself second in an attempt to support someone’s else’s dream — and not seeing that in the end, this would break me to pieces. If I could just give more — if I could just understand him better — if I could just give him everything, then he would be whole and our dreams would come true.

Spirituality and Alcoholism/ASPD – A big question in my mind, is how do people that suffer with any of the above, ever find peace? Or do they even have enough self awareness to care about what they do to other people? How do the people that love them stay sane? Why did it take me so long to understand that if I didn’t have strong boundaries, I would keep attracting people like this into my life? Why am I so comfortable with the broken people in our society? Why do I feel the need to try to save them when there is such a huge cost to myself? Has this last experience strengthened my resolve to finally figure myself out so that this will be the last time it happens? How do I forgive myself for losing myself in someone else?

I hope you will follow me on this journey, and learn with me as I will inevitably stumble and get things wrong. The goal is the journey, not the ending. I’m wondering how my definition of spirituality will change along the way.