Revenge (I’m only human)

I’m struggling with the strong feeling of vengeance that I have in my heart. It feels black and ugly and unhealthy to hold onto this. Yet, it is so very hard to forgive what has been almost a fatal wound for me. I logically understand that forgiveness is for ME – so I can move on with my life without hanging onto something that is over. Emotionally, I am just having a really, really hard time with it.

After 20 years of knowing each other, and 9.5 years of marriage, as soon as my husband Jay found another woman to support him financially (because my money was all gone) he abruptly and unexpectedly broke it off. And less than 2 months later he announced his new engagement to the world. First of all — who does that? Secondly, he had so little respect and love for me that he couldn’t even give me a heads up before he told everyone? I had friends contacting me out of the blue to ask if Jay had lost his mind. I didn’t know what they were even talking about (since I had unfriended him).

Why should Jay get to move on and start his life over while I have been left with absolutely nothing to build on? On top of the financial devastation, I’ve lost the most important thing to me – my independence. Wouldn’t that make anyone vengeful? How do I stop thinking about this? Why is it taking me so long to recover?

The reality is that Jay is still the same person he always was. His life will be forever impacted by his alcoholism and ASPD. Those pretty pictures and pity plays that he paints on social media are a farce — I know, because I lived it with him. He has blocked me on everything (despite the fact that I went no contact with him a few months ago) so that he can control the narrative with our mutual friends. Oh, and because I cut off all financial support in the form of paying for websites and hosting for multiple sites we had together. Of course, friends still reach out to me to tell me what is going on, but I’m on the border of this being really hurtful and not helpful. And what the hell!! Why do I even care what is going on in his life? Why do I want to participate in the narrative?

Although I’ve got to start completely over, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a caring family who took me back in with open arms after I’ve been away for 14 or 15 years (the last 4 of which were in a foreign country). But I’m struggling. I’m ashamed that my decisions have led me here as a grown woman and now I am burdening family members. I feel invalidated. I feel like I’m not healing fast enough.

Here’s why I think I’m struggling with moving on. Jay has been the complete focus of my life for 10 years. We had some really good times, especially in the first few years. I always, always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was smart, made me laugh, and we spent lots of time together. His alcoholism eventually took all of that away. If I raised issues with our relationship he just completely shut down. He’d make a few feeble attempts to address an issue; but by the end of the month those efforts would stop. He’d be extra loving and briefly mention how he’d make some changes to keep me happy. He’d talk about the weather, or music, or something, anything to divert me. And I would think he had gotten the point, so I didn’t want to nag him. I wanted who I thought Jay was to show up and participate.

It was all a farce. He was mirroring what I wanted to make me think that we had so much in common and that he loved me. Jay is not capable of love — which makes me feel bad about wanting revenge. See? This goes in a circle that needs to be broken.

I’m struggling because for the last 4 years I had built my life in and around Crete. All my friends are there. My shop is still there. My heart is still there. Yet, I’m back here in the US now.

Do I feel like I need some form of revenge to break the circle? To give me my power back? I don’t really know. Realistically, I am not that person. The fact that I am so empathetic and kind is what got me into this position to begin with. Is that why I want revenge? I need to do something so out of the ordinary for me that I think it will make me feel better? Am I just bitter?

Here’s the other thing: Jay expects me to take the high road. But he’s changed me, and for the moment, the low road where it concerns him, is much more appealing.

UPDATE:

It came to light that Jay has been manipulating an old, sick lady (who has no family) in order to gain access to her money and properties. She has been paying for his rent and food, (and has been since I left Crete for the US to try and find a job to support us until he could find employment) and he was acting as her unofficial ‘carer’. Jay actually convinced her to put him in her will. He’s known her for 3 or 4 months. His plan was to get her money, and if that didn’t work out, have the new fiancee and her pension as the fall back. Clever, right?

I managed to find some email on our business account that had her address. I definitely reached out when I discovered that Jay had convinced her (as sick as she was) to fly back to the UK to finalize the sale of her properties and update her will to include him. She thanked me, and never returned to Crete (where we were living, and he still is).

Unfortunately, I learned that she has just recently passed away. I don’t know if she went through with the changes, but if she did, that was her choice. At least she had all of the info about Jay to make the decision that worked best for her. I mean, I completely understood how she could fall for the whole scam — alone, sick and no support in a foreign country made her a perfect target for the opportunist that he is. Was this an act of revenge? Or was it my empathy for her and her situation that told me to contact her? I’d like to think I did it for her and not to screw him over, but there is still a part of me that is not sure. How will this affect my Karma?

Have you ever acted out of spite for revenge? Did you feel better afterwards? Did it help you to move on?