Reclaiming the joy in music

Music has been a form of meditation and peace for me.  Getting lost in the rhythm, lyrics and meaning has always been a particular love of mine.  When I am feeling down, music has been my go to for relief. I don’t know about you, but my life has always had a soundtrack.

Jay and I shared a true love of music (I think…).  He was a ‘musician’ of sorts… noodling on his guitars brought him some measure of happiness.  Or, that is the image he portrayed to me, anyway.  Interesting that he never played complete songs – he was easily bored and moved on to the next thing in his mind’s playlist.

One of the toughest things for me right now is reclaiming the joy and peace in music and artists that we listened to together.  Artists that we loved; concerts that we went to — all of these experiences happened at a high point in our relationship.  Listening to this music now brings a feeling of sadness and pain because times were good for us then.

I started to get worried about the state of our relationship when Jay told me he was sharing the music of a band that we discovered, and loved, with the old lady he was caring for.  He told me she ‘loved’ them.  My first thought was uh oh… he only shares music with people that he is trying to get close to.  And secondly, this was OUR band!  How could he share something that was so special to us with an outsider?  I mean, in all our years in Greece, not once did he talk about music with any of our friends.  Weird, right?  But then my rational mind told me I was just over-reacting.  It’s music!  Everyone can love and share it. And she’s just a sick only lady.  Subconsciously, I think I already knew what was happening.

Right before our break-up, Jay started sending me links to videos and music we shared in the past, along with lovely messages about how he couldn’t wait for me to rejoin him, so we could enjoy music together like in the past.  Looking back, I think he was trying to re-ignite the joy we shared as a way to assuage his guilt about what he was getting ready to do.  He knew that the nostalgia would make me remember the good times and hopefully leave me feeling good about him. Wow. It just caused double the devastation–I thought we were getting back on track (since that was what he kept telling me).  In reality, it was just another way to ensure that he would hurt me as deeply as he could on his way out.

Now, I try to remember just how much I loved music before Jay ever entered the picture.  I am determined to regain this love now that he has gone.  What is working for me in the moment is to find artists that are new to me; and specific to this time and place that I am in.  I’m expanding the type of music that I listen to.

As for the old music, I’m going there in short, brief bursts.  My emotions are still raw, and music can bring me to tears unexpectedly.  My laptop recently started showing signs of failing, and the first thing I did was to get my music onto a new hard drive.  Much of my older music was prior to my relationship with Jay, and it was so important to me not to lose it.  I am rediscovering who I was before him.

So what am I listening to this week?  Miranda Lambert’s “The Weight of These Wings”.  I’ve never been much of a country music fan, but this album speaks to me through my sadness.  And anything by the Eagles, mostly because Jay hates them.  LOL  These are interspersed with Kamelot — a band we discovered, saw in concert, and loved together.  And Conception – the old lead singer of Kamelot’s new project.  I’m getting there.

In all the devastation, I refuse to let Jay take the joy of music away from me.

Is music a form of meditation for you?  How do you handle listening to music that was special to you in a relationship that ended badly?