LOA, Fear and Subconscious

Do you believe in the Law of Attraction? That what you spend your energy thinking about will come to pass in your life? That good attracts good and bad attracts bad?

Ever since I was a young girl, fear of financial disaster has plagued me. My dad was the type of guy who could quit his job on a whim, despite the fact that he was the sole support in a household with 5 kids and a wife. A wife that he simply did not want to work even when things got really tough.

I think I internalized a fear of instability and lack, and I was determined that I would not live that way. I built a good career and financial stability for myself and for my only child. Yet, financial problems have now contributed to the demise of 3 of my long term relationships. Let me explain. I’ve worked since I was 14 years old. I have always been strong mentally and emotionally, and a good provider. Somehow I’ve managed to get involved with irresponsible men, who were attracted to this strength and knew that they could take advantage of it. Emotionally unavailable, and mostly lazy, I paid the price for these men each and every time. Where was I and what I wanted in these relationships? Well, I was working to keep a roof over our heads. I was so focused on other people that I totally lost myself. Perfect.

When I decided to sell everything I owned to move Jay and me to Greece to follow his dream, my subconscious for once stepped up. I refused to get a tax ID in Greece, and I made him put everything in his name, since he was a citizen of an EU country already. Our rental leases, our car, our business, our bank account. I kept the US bank account in my name only (although I still ended up giving him what he wanted out of it). In the end, he is up to his eyeballs in debt, and I am sure he owes more money than I even know about. And in the end I’ve nothing left.

I think that somehow I knew that Jay would never, ever, live up to his promises and this adventure would end in disaster. Or, by the school of thought that is LOA, did I attract this disaster into our lives? Maybe, just maybe, I did. Maybe this was really my only way of getting out of the relationship, and somehow I finally knew deep inside that he would only stay as long as there was money available to support him.

So what did I learn? I learned that I can actually be very content and mostly happy without the material things that I used to think were so important. I learned that my path is to get over the fear of money. I learned that in the end, a supportive family is the most important thing. I learned that I must figure out my boundaries before getting serious in another relationship. I learned that I AM strong and capable inside — I just need to find that girl again. And I got a first hand education in the evil that ASPD people carry around inside of them. It’s just a shame that it took me this long to figure it all out.

For now, I’m trying to shift my thoughts and vibrations to the ‘good’ side of things. I am filled with gratitude and working on making my light shine again. I want to laugh and love again, and find that happy person that I know is inside of me just screaming to get out. I am learning that self-care is the biggest thing I need to focus on moving forward. And I finally understand that the money will come when it is time.

Tell me about your LOA experiences, both good and not so good.