Did I just completely miss that he was unhappy?

If you had asked me in January if Jay was happy, I would’ve said that overall, yes, he was happy — we were just in a rough patch due to our financial situation, which resulted in us being apart temporarily.  But looking back, maybe not.

Being in a relationship with a deeply emotionally unavailable person is difficult on more levels than I ever imagined.  Add in a personality disorder, and it is impossible to understand their feelings on more than a surface level, mostly because they never share how they are truly feeling. They don’t let you get close.

Was Jay unhappy?  I still don’t know. I couldn’t discern how he was feeling, and he certainly wouldn’t discuss it.  I do know that as my unhappiness with our relationship grew, and as our money started to run out, he did nothing to alleviate either.  Was this due to his own unhappiness? Or was it due to his alcoholism?  His ASPD?  He was lost and couldn’t take a step physically OR emotionally.

Over time, his lack of action in many areas of our lives was the most frustrating thing about our relationship. Was it because he was unhappy? Lord knows, our intimacy was non-existent by the end.  He didn’t care enough about how I felt (or what I wanted) to even try to participate in our relationship. I wanted that intimacy back, more than anything, because the alternative was to view him as a roommate, or a child that needed to be taken care of — and neither of those things were sexy at all.

Did we talk about it? Not in any kind of meaningful way. I guess on one level, I understood he was unhappy with our sex life in the end; but not unhappy enough to work with me to fix it. Sigh.

Was he unhappy with our lives? Not that I could tell. He did the same things everyday that he had always done.  We changed countries — but might as well have been back in the US or in Japan. Moving to his dream island of Crete had little appreciable impact on his daily level of happiness or effort.  He was still unwilling to do anything to ensure that we could stay there for the rest of our lives as he had promised before the move.

As soon as we were getting low on funds, we discussed a way to stay in Crete, or if not, should we go to Germany or the US? Crete was where he wanted to be, and I loved our friends and our village.  After his assurances that he would definitely make it work, we used the last of our funds to open a beautiful little shop.  The ‘old’ Jay was back!  His excitement at designing our shop and stocking it with beautiful things was a joy to behold.

Unfortunately, once the first successful season was over, he completely lost interest and his drinking started increasing. I couldn’t understand why the sudden disinterest, other than it seems to have been a pattern in his life.  Nothing holds his attention for long.  I was so hopeful that having his own business and the life he wanted on Crete would finally motivate him to work.  Ha.  So, I found a remote job to get us through the winter.

Jay stayed lost in his video game world.  He would play for hours and hours — day and night, all while secretly drinking.  In that world he didn’t have to deal with his feelings, or problems, or real life people.  In that world, he was a hero and a leader, and a dashing knight (or whatever). For lots of people gaming can be a healthy escape and a hobby — not for Jay. He allowed it to be a substitute for a real life, and a real partner, and a real marriage. And he knew it was a problem — he’d often just lie and say he was working on marketing for our websites or for our shop, or applying to remote jobs, etc.

As the drinking increased to what I knew was a totally unsafe level, I told Jay in no uncertain terms that he had to finally address it, because I couldn’t live with it any longer. You could see all of the classic side affects of the alcohol — he wasn’t eating; his belly was distended; he lost all care for his appearance and cleanliness; he smelled of alcohol all the time; he was moody especially if he hadn’t had a drink etc.  Not a good look for a shop owner dealing with the public everyday, and I could see it was killing him.  He asked if I was divorcing him — and I told him that while I couldn’t live with it, my primary concern was for his health. Surprisingly enough, he went the next week to the doctor, and actually got put on a regimen that really helped him!  He lost weight, was feeling so much better and was a lot more fun to be around. His sobriety did not change his fundamental laziness unfortunately.

Looking back, Jay and I could’ve both benefited from meditation. While  I stayed active and traveled without Jay to get myself out of the environment, once that option was lost to me my mental health was most definitely affected. I found myself focusing on the negative, because I could not see a way out without his help for once. And he was either unwilling or unable to be a partner. I was losing myself, my spark and my joy. For the first time in my life, I was facing the prospect of being evicted because we couldn’t pay the relatively inexpensive rent.  The electricity was going to be cut off, and we went through the winter with no heat. And he played on.

By the end of January, with no money left and using my credit card, I flew back to the US to see if I could find something – anything – to support us until business picked up in tourist season. Little did I know at the time, that this was the beginning of the end for us.  And Jay started drinking heavily again, which is a story for another day.

Jay, and all of his problems, sucked the life out of me, although I was so focused on finding a solution, that I didn’t really consciously realize it.  When I got back to the US, I was sick and in bed for days.  Maybe the sickest I have ever been.  My soul was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t find my way to it. I was totally defeated, unbelievably worried, and distressed down to my bones. I couldn’t worry about anyone’s happiness — I had to fix this.

I was miserable. My worry about Jay’s happiness, dreams, and problems had broken me.