Category Archives: Your Mind

Did I just completely miss that he was unhappy?

ASPD, My Story, Your Mind

If you had asked me in January if Jay was happy, I would’ve said that overall, yes, he was happy — we were just in a rough patch due to our financial situation, which resulted in us being apart temporarily.  But looking back, maybe not. Being in a relationship with a deeply emotionally unavailable person is difficult on more levels than I ever imagined.  Add in a personality disorder, and it is impossible to understand their feelings on more than a surface level, mostly because they never […]

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Am I healing?

Daily Living, Mindfulness, My Story

Can it be? Am I finally healing from the trauma of this relationship? I don’t think about him every day anymore.  I don’t feel sad when I wake up. I haven’t cried in a couple of months. I don’t fantasize about just walking into the sea and disappearing.  I don’t wonder what I could’ve done to change the ending of this marriage and the implosion of my life as I knew it. As much as I thought that I would never recover from this, there is somehow […]

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Am I a hypocrite?

ASPD, Daily Living, My Story, Your Mind

I have had to take a deep look at myself and my own behavior in my relationship with Jay. Here’s what troubles me the most. I wanted to help Jay to overcome deep seated issues that I wasn’t qualified to deal with — I thought with enough love, support and understanding, he could become the person that I knew he was deep inside.  Get that?  Do you see all of the I statements above? I mean, I still have excuses and justifications for this behavior on my […]

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Anger has saved me in the past

Mindfulness, My Story

Why can’t I use it now? Almost every time I’ve made a huge change in my life, some amount of anger has been involved in pushing me to the final step.  Pissed off my parents as a teenager? Got thrown out. Pissed off at job? Find a new one. Pissed off in a relationship? Time to get out.  Angry at something that happened or was said? Change the environment or the narrative. Something is different now, though.  Anger doesn’t fuel my big decisions anymore.  I’m much more […]

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Is Social Media Impacting Your Mental Health?

Your Mind

Good lord – the BS that is Social Media and how it impacts my personal mental health Social media has become the defacto way of staying in touch and informing the world of what is going on in your life. Most people use it daily. Many people have lost all sense of decorum and privacy when posting online for the world to see. Jay and I are living in completely different countries now. We’ve spent periods of time apart before due to job circumstances, and always stayed […]

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Abandonment – What ‘normal’ person does this?

Your Mind

Honestly, what got me started down the road of researching ASPD and alcoholism, was the way my relationship ended. No big or angry discussion, no fights leading up to it, no change in the status quo. One day Jay was there, and the next he was gone. One day everything was ok, and the next day it wasn’t. Holy shit. What an education this has been. It is like I never existed. The life we built together never existed. Our puppies, that he wanted so badly, just […]

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Spirituality – My personal definition right now

Spirituality

Spirituality – My personal definition right now I grew up in an organized religion. For various reasons, I stopped believing and participating in it when I was in my young 20’s. I became an atheist because I firmly believe that religion has done more bad than good in this world. I won’t lie. For me, it was an easy decision, and one that I have no regrets about making. It doesn’t take an organized religion to make a good and moral person. And for me, religion was […]

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