Anger has saved me in the past

Why can’t I use it now?

Almost every time I’ve made a huge change in my life, some amount of anger has been involved in pushing me to the final step.  Pissed off my parents as a teenager? Got thrown out. Pissed off at job? Find a new one. Pissed off in a relationship? Time to get out.  Angry at something that happened or was said? Change the environment or the narrative.

Something is different now, though.  Anger doesn’t fuel my big decisions anymore.  I’m much more focused on trying NOT feeling angry, and I think it’s because I perceive it as a negative emotion. Anger usually means you are holding on to something that will hurt you in the end. But doesn’t a well balanced person feel and work through both positive and negative emotions?  And because of my natural empathy, almost ALL of my feelings cut deep.

I think what I need to do is to actually feel and acknowledge the anger, and then let it go.  Holy hell though… this is not an easy thing to do. Letting it go means moving into an area that maybe I ‘m not too comfortable with yet.  And I’m not at the point where I can forgive Jay’s behavior — and I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.

What if I hang on to anger because it has become a part of how I see myself?  What if I hang on to it as a life preserver of some sort? It’s moved me to get out of bad situations in the past, that’s for sure.  

And I must admit that on my bad days, I am still absolutely raging about how this relationship ended.  And the fact that I have to completely start over again, back in the US, which feels like an extremely overwhelming process at the moment. And yet, he’s moved on, apparently without a second thought. Is the only way for me to move forward actually using this rage as I have in the past?  Will I get stuck if I don’t?  

Is my anger acting as a protector from the deep, soul-destroying sadness that I feel?  If I don’t hang on to the anger any longer, am I going to just dissolve into a puddle of tears and nothingness?  Maybe that’s exactly what I need.  

In reality, I am never going to have my emotions soothed, or receive any kind of closure from Jay. His moving on was an act of self-preservation. He needed to find someone willing and able to support him financially. Once my money ran out, he knew his only hope was to find another woman that he could manipulate.

The situation simply sucks. Being angry will only hurt me in the end, so all I can really do at this point is ride out the anger and the sadness.  

And damn!  Is this a part of the self-awareness everyone talks about?  LOL LOL Scary. I have a lot of work to do.