Am I healing?

Can it be? Am I finally healing from the trauma of this relationship?

I don’t think about him every day anymore.  I don’t feel sad when I wake up. I haven’t cried in a couple of months. I don’t fantasize about just walking into the sea and disappearing.  I don’t wonder what I could’ve done to change the ending of this marriage and the implosion of my life as I knew it.

As much as I thought that I would never recover from this, there is somehow an amazing freedom in a broken heart. I’m not living for his happiness and health any more. I am figuring out what it is, exactly, that I want.  I am rising above the limitations that he, and our marriage, put on me.

Practically speaking, what got me to this point now?  Well, as much as I hate the cliche — time has been a big factor.  Meditation, mindfulness and acceptance have all had a big role to play. Being outside and walking every day has helped tremendously. There is something about walking that keeps me present, yet lets me think deeply. I use my walks as gratitude and affirmation time. I really am grateful for so much in my life, and positive affirmations just make me feel so much better in practice. Any time a negative thought tries to creep in, I mentally say “stop” — this thought does not serve me, and it’s time to let it go. I have managed to break the negative self talk cycle by being aware of how much it actually hurts me.

I’ve wondered about the filters that I’ve been viewing the world through.  While they were protective in some way in my marriage, these filters colored my world in the darkest of ways. What if I consciously try to remove the filters and conditioning that led me here? If I want to achieve the life that I really want, it’s time to start at the beginning and really question what no longer serves me.  Easier said than done for sure.  I mean, if I look at my life realistically, what have I come to believe about myself due to conditioning, input from others, filters and experience?  How do I sort through all of that and find out who I really am?

I’m remembering the kind, confident, successful and happy woman that I used to be.  Oh, how I’ve missed her!  Part of my healing has been about getting back in touch with my soul and my self.  I buried her under fear and emotion and darkness and sadness for so long! I’ve decided that I don’t want to live that way any longer; that he only ever had the power over me that I gave him.  No more.

What I’ve come to understand though, is that the true test for me and the strength of my self-worth comes in my most intimate relationships.  Generally, I’ve had little problem setting boundaries with most relationships in my life; yet, I’ve had difficulty carrying successful boundaries with me into intimate relationships.  Why is that?  Part of my healing is to look at long held subconscious beliefs about my self worth around men that I care about.

My dad was always my ‘hero’ and was usually there to support me in a very difficult relationship with my mother.  Any sign of disapproval from him felt like a stab in my heart. So, I worked hard to try to live up to what I thought he expected of me.  I wasn’t always successful (as most kids) but, I’ve come to realize that my opinion of myself was directly tied to his response to me. Because my mother was cold and difficult, I relied on my dad for most of my emotional support as a kid.

Let me be clear though — I never expected that my parents would be perfect.  They were young, and still figuring out who they were, when they started their family. They did the best they could with what they had available at the time — emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Here’s one incident that sticks with me, all these years later.  When I was 15, my dad said to me ‘if anyone in this house comes home pregnant, it will be you’.  Whoa.  I was raised in a Catholic home — so to me at the time, this was a judgement from him that hit me like a ton of bricks. As far as I knew at the time, I had done nothing to warrant such a low opinion from him.  Looking back, I think that I was growing into an attractive young woman, and my father had difficulty dealing with that.

But, holy hell — I realize now just how much that statement has affected my relationships with men.  I subconsciously thought that if I expressed my true self, or was less than perfect, their opinion of me would lead to personal devastation.  My reaction has been to people please and keep the peace, at the expense of my own health. I’d just rather not fight, you know?  The end result is that the relationship is not sustainable.  How could it be?  If I can’t speak my truth due to fear, how is my partner supposed to support me?

I think that means that I’ve gravitated to partners who are a lot like me. A little disengaged; not open to discussing difficult topics due to fear of rejection and pain; emotionally closed off — not exactly a recipe for a healthy relationship.  Any attempts to change the status quo leads to exactly what I expect… rejection.

I’ve got a lot to work on personally before I even think about pursuing another romantic relationship.  But, I’m proud of myself.  It’s taken devastation, and a conscious decision to change and heal that has led me here.  And I survived it. And I’m healing.