Abandonment – What ‘normal’ person does this?

Honestly, what got me started down the road of researching ASPD and alcoholism, was the way my relationship ended. No big or angry discussion, no fights leading up to it, no change in the status quo. One day Jay was there, and the next he was gone. One day everything was ok, and the next day it wasn’t. Holy shit. What an education this has been.

It is like I never existed. The life we built together never existed. Our puppies, that he wanted so badly, just ceased to exist. Who the hell in their right mind does that?

Jay had found my replacement. It started with a conversation of how he felt we were growing distant, and he felt it was his fault. Red flag! I reassured him that we were just struggling at the moment because we WERE physically apart, and that if we focused, we could make it through this tough time. Just like we always had in the past. This conversation happened at about the same time that he, the old lady, and his friend all moved in together in a free house. Intuition told me that perhaps the issue was from his new friends. I told him that he should not listen to anyone that was whispering in his ear; we were solid and would get back in the same space soon. His response was that he didn’t care what other people had to say; this was how he was feeling. Yeah right. In hindsight, he had already gotten confirmation from the new supply that she was delighted to support him. And that the old lady would put him in her will. For him, his problems were solved! The only thing left to deal with was me. And I certainly didn’t fit into his new plans at all.

The next conversation was about what I wanted. I replied, “I want the dream! The one we’ve worked towards for the last 10 years. A little house with enough money to live everyday. Money to pay the rent and our bills, and see a doctor when we need to. A little money to travel – whether on island or off. Just a simple life.” His response, after he said he needed time to think about it, was that he didn’t ever think he could give me those things. Life on Crete was always going to be hard. He was a drifter. LOL LOL What??? What he really meant was that was exactly what he wanted too, but he could only get it if someone else was paying. And if that someone else was a woman. And not me. A woman who thought he was in love with her. Little did I know, that someone had already moved in with him. Boom! Over.

As for her, she had been living with a violent alcoholic (supposedly), so Jay felt like home to her (minus the violence). She is used the empty promises, and alcohol issues, and evidently suffered from severe depression in the past. She’s been lonely and depressed for most of her life. Good lord — their future is headed for disaster. But what kind of woman does that to another woman? Swoops in and helps to destroy a relationship? For christs sake, she hadn’t spoken to, or seen him in probably 20 years! A woman that is sick herself, I would guess.

To get back to my original point though, on my hardest days, I still feel his abandonment right down to my core. It touches issues I’ve had all my life, that I thought I had dealt with in a healthy way, and resolved. Not so much I guess. All of the issues of not being good enough, being damaged in some way, being unlovable — all rise to the surface and hit like a grenade. On those days, I just want to walk out into the ocean and disappear once and for all. And this emotion hits me in the strangest times and ways!

I gave the puppies a bath today, and it was so much harder doing it by myself without Jay’s help. They are lovely dogs who’ve adjusted really well here in our new situation. In fact, now that things have settled into a routine, they are better than ever! And it hit me. I mean, how could any normal person just walk away from these lovely creatures like they never existed?? And I remembered that I am lovely too. And how could he just walk away from me?

Listen, logically, the end of this relationship is absolutely the best thing for me. I know that. Yet, in my moments of human-ness, I can hardly bear how it ended. And I want to kick myself for feeling this way. Trying to sort through all of this has just been mind-numbing. And knowing that I have to deal with the issue of abandonment, yet again, is overwhelming to me. If I thought I had gotten through it already in my life, why don’t I know how to move forward now? And will this continue to be a running theme for me for the rest of my life?

Honestly, this shit is just crazy-making. I have very strong sisters. And I used to be the strongest of them all. I had my shit together, for sure. A great career, financial security and a happy, positive outlook on life. I’ve turned into a shell of what I once was. And my sisters keep expecting me to be who I was. This experience has changed me. I am not the person I once was, and while I loved parts of her, I won’t ever be her again. My trust in my judgement has been shattered. My abandonment issues are back. My self confidence has been shaken. How do I find the best elements of who I used to be, and build a new person from this trauma?

And I feel whiny. LOL LOL Some days, I just want to get the hell over myself. I annoy me. I don’t understand why I can’t just get the hell over it and move on, as I’ve ALWAYS done in the past. I think the universe just might be telling me something this time, which has set me on this journey. I hope I can achieve the peace and understanding that I am searching for.

How did you get over your abandonment issues? Should I see a professional? Am I capable and strong enough to do this on my own?