Is Social Media Impacting Your Mental Health?
Good lord – the BS that is Social Media and how it impacts my personal mental health
Social media has become the defacto way of staying in touch and informing the world of what is going on in your life. Most people use it daily. Many people have lost all sense of decorum and privacy when posting online for the world to see.
Jay and I are living in completely different countries now. We’ve spent periods of time apart before due to job circumstances, and always stayed in touch daily on facetime, skype or facebook messenger. Social media (at least the ability to communicate privately) had been a staple in keeping our communication open. The final screw you from a sociopathic ASPD person is often a complete blocking of you and your profile on social media. The message is clearly that they’ve moved on.
In my case, I had already unfriended Jay on FB, and he waited to announce his engagement (less than 2 months after the unofficial end of our marriage) until this happened. Why? Because before then, he was trying to get me to file for and pay for the divorce, because it would be ‘freeing’ for me, and I could look forward to the future. HA What a laugh. This is a guy who hasn’t thought about MY future in all the years I’ve known him. Why did I unfriend him? I found out that he was already living (and had been) with my replacement, and she had already changed her status to ‘engaged’ on Facebook while we were still married. I guess it was clear exactly who it would be freeing for! Lies of omission from him, always.
When I told him that emotionally I was not ready to even begin thinking about the divorce, and that I was still trying to get my feet under me, he went completely silent. I told him if the divorce was the most important thing to him, then he could file and pay for it.
When I got the engagement announcement from a friend, I emailed Jay and his new fiancee to tell them exactly the terms I wanted out of the divorce and requested an accounting of the closing of the business. I don’t actually expect to receive anything from the grifter, but I informed him I had a lawyer involved. I gave him an address and my personal email to send the official divorce papers to. And then I told both of them exactly what I thought about the situation (I am not an angel, and this was just too much for me – the emotional reactor!). Blocked. LOL
What does blocked mean on facebook? Well it means Jay still has his account, but I physically can’t see it, message him, or see anything about him. And he physically can’t see my profile, message me, or see anything about me. Do I care? If I’m honest, yes. But not for the reason you might be thinking. He’s getting ready to run back to Germany in the hopes that no one can find him, and leave a mess on Crete behind him. He owes money to mutual friends, his landlords, the tax office, the accountant, the electric company. My personal stuff is all still there, because when I left, the plan was for me to go back at the end of the summer. I do eventually want to go back, even if it’s just to visit!! Access to his posts would be the easiest way for me to stay on top of his movements.
If I’m thinking logically, then I don’t care. Seeing the stupidity he was posting was just driving me crazy. Who is this guy? And who does he think he is fooling? Jay rarely posted on facebook (even when he should’ve been for the marketing of our businesses) and is now posting all over the place for everyone to see. Funny, stupid meme’s, announcements about his personal life and what a great guy he is, and notification of the closing of the business that he ran into the ground. The death of an old lady he was trying to scam (oh how much he loved her!)… crazy, right?
He is trying to shift the narrative with all of our mutual friends, even though I’d refused to drop to his level and respond to the provocation. Forever posting about how he doesn’t care what other people think (because he knows exactly what they are thinking!). Almost every post included his new fiancee’s name and sickening hearts and kiss emojis. Their matching tattoos… good lord. Heartbreaking. From two 50 year old people, it’s really sad to watch.
But that’s his goal, I think. He wanted to show everyone (especially me) how much better his life is now. And how he is such a great guy. He would never take advantage of his friends for money. He’s hit the gravy train – a fiancee who has a little money (enough to support him anyway), just like his wife did! He must be such a wonderful man if he can find another woman who loves him so much that she will support him! And he wants to remind me of exactly what I meant to him — nothing.
If I’m thinking emotionally, it’s been difficult to come to terms with any of this. To go from talking every day (to the man who had been in my daily life for over 10 years) to radio silence to a complete disregard (basically overnight) has shaken me to my core. I mean, I really didn’t know him at all in the end. I’ve recently begun educating myself on ASPD though, and that is helping me to come to terms with the situation.
Mentally, I can stay in a much better place if I don’t see his profile, and knowing that I have no access makes it much easier to resist the temptation to take a look. I don’t feel the need to defend myself to friends privately in messenger over something idiotic or untruthful that he posted, and they don’t feel the need to tell me everything he posts. They can like or love his posts without worrying about offending me.
The latest wrinkle is his new fiancee commenting on posts that my/his friends are putting up. She is friending (or trying to) almost everyone we knew as a couple. Is it causing me more pain to see her comments? Or can I just ignore them? Sigh. Again, I prefer the high road, and ignoring her seems like the best way to go.
As far as contact in the future goes, I know where Jay is going and have an address to find him. He doesn’t know that I have this info, but I won’t hesitate to use it should I need to legally serve him. I am sure that he will reach out when the pressure ramps up from his new partner to make our divorce happen. If left to his own devices, I doubt that he would ever even file.
The blocking of social media was the final slap in the face to me, yet it’s given me so much more peace. If he knew that, he most likely would unblock me!! He used to talk once in awhile about a ‘crazy’ ex that he had and how he completely stopped contact and blocked her — now I know the truth. He didn’t give a shit about what he did to her, and her attempts at finding closure and some sort of sanity for herself annoyed him. There was no way he would ever admit the horrible destruction he left of her life, or accept any responsibility for it. She was probably a nice person who was left shattered by his discarding of her out of the blue. I’ve left my profile unblocked, because mature adults don’t handle relationship problems by hiding from them. It’s a decision that I can live with at this point.
Business Facebook pages
We have 4 or 5 different Facebook business pages. To this point, Jay’s left those unblocked, but mostly I think that is because he’s forgotten that I’m even following them. With our websites completely offline now, those Facebook pages are the only link to the past. I think he’ll eventually close them all, and I will be perfectly fine with that decision. He did remove me as administrator from all of them, thankfully. I don’t reach out to him on any of them, nor do I visit them.
Twitter/Pinterest/Others
Jay’s never been very active on any of these accounts, and I’ve removed myself from all access. These accounts only received posts from the websites, and since those are down, there is nothing new getting posted.
So what have I learned about social media when going through a breakup?
I am an emotional reactor. When I see something hurtful, my first instinct is always to respond. Thankfully, I am mostly able to keep a handle on it by writing but not actually posting anything, however, if I’m honest, the pain ruins my day. Jay has taken up too much space in my brain, and knows exactly how to push my buttons. Not seeing any of his shit has been cathartic in so many ways.
And friends/family get uncomfortable when too much personal business is shared online! It’s the bubble we all exist in of let’s put a pretty face on us and our lives. No one needs to know if we are hurting, or scared, or afraid. I’ve been guilty of judging people for that very same thing in the past! Like, whatever possessed them to post that online for us all to see? No more. When someone is hurting, instead of judging them, I will reach out. While I don’t post my business online very often, I can completely understand why lonely people, scared and upset people do.
I still use social media to keep up with friends and family, but I try to remember that people usually only show their good side and that posts most times have nothing to do with the life they are actually living, the health of their relationships, or who they really are. Now that I am back in the US, I can actually see and call anyone here who is important to me, so social media has taken a backseat to actual contact. For my greek friends and family, they understand the situation, and we message often – which I can actually do by just opening messenger outside of facebook. It’s been a relief to stay away.
Have you gone through a breakup and gone ‘no contact’? Was it difficult for you?
